Election Night Survival Guide

This isn't real advice. In all reality, I'm panicking too.

Here we are, folks. The day we’ve all been waiting for has arrived. By this time, your shoulders have surpassed your ears, and you’ve developed an unusual amount of jaw tension, stress headaches, weird food cravings, random bouts of existential fear, and even some catastrophic planning for the future. We won’t know the results of the election by the end of the night, but that won’t stop you from binge-watching MSNBC or CNN, and it certainly won’t stop people from blaming the Jews. Anyway, here is my guide to surviving Election Night.

• Have a moderate vice. It can be food, online shopping, etc... My vice tonight is an excess of Bach. Choose your own adventure. Tonight is not about self-restraint; it is about CHAOS.

• Lock up your knives. Nothing else needs to be said.

• Facetime loved ones, or even better, be in person with them. They will stop you from unlocking your knives.

• Fan girl over Steve Kornacki. When I say “fan girl,” this is a gender-neutral term. Anyone can be a Steve Kornacki fan girl.

• Take up knitting. It stops you from biting your nails off and you get to make ugly things for your loved ones.

• Wear soft pants. Election Night is not the time for raw denim.

• Ignore the screams coming from the neighbors. It’s either their own existentialism, or they are fangirling over Steve Kornacki.

• Consider taking up meditation. Sure, it's a little late to start now, but it’s worth a shot.

• Pray that SNL doesn’t have Maya Rudolph performing Hallelujah for their next cold opening.

Hang in there, folks. Regardless of the outcome, there is still much work to be done. It’s easy to get caught up in fear of how these results will affect us personally, but we must continue fighting for each other, especially for vulnerable communities. They want apathy, and we must refuse to deliver that. And don’t forget to be kind to yourself.