By now, there is enough talk about performance anxiety, whether we are discussing public speaking, musicians, actors, etc. I have my moments of performance anxiety, but the monster that truly controls me is learning anxiety. Whenever I book a new gig, my sudden joy immediately turns into terror, knowing that I now have to learn the music *gasp!* It feels deeply ridiculous because, of course, we need to learn the music; what other option is there? Plus, we should all be so lucky to have a gig around the corner, but alas, my mind continues to play tricks.
Suppose I had a nickel every time I opened up a score to stare at it and tell myself I'd forgotten how to read music. In that case, I'd have a useless amount of nickels (it's 2025, after all). But I know I'm not alone. I've recently been putting out feelers with other musicians, asking about this very subject. Many of us share this struggle, this anxiety that comes with learning music. It's the beast about these types of anxieties is that they contradict any gratitude that we may feel towards having a performance opportunity. So here I am sitting by my lonesome with a smidge of self-loathing about the fact that I am experiencing anxiety over a chance that I am lucky to have. It feels pathetic, yet there is something spectacularly human about it. It's a reminder that we're not alone in this struggle, that it's a part of being human.
As performers, we aim to please. Not that pleasing is the be-all and end-all, but we want our art to connect with audiences. The fear is born of possibly failing at that. Perfectionism is ingrained in our conservatories. The first day of a production period often feels like a test to see who is the one who showed up underprepared. No wonder we can turn into basket cases. I remind myself that it is just art and not heart surgery, but my fight-or-flight response begs to differ. When I am experiencing learning anxiety, I’m mentally preparing myself to let down the artistic team, along with the audience. What might feel surface-level suddenly becomes an unbearable amount of weight.
So what is my solution for this? I don’t have much to offer besides talking about it. Performance anxiety is studied and even medicated in some cases, but learning anxiety is something performers face alone. I found catharsis in just connecting with others over the fact that this exists and that I wasn’t alone. Usually, I feel like I have more to offer, but I see this as a snapshot of the neuroses of my mind and many other neurotic artists. I encourage you to share your own experiences and thoughts on this topic. Let's open up a dialogue about learning anxiety in the performing arts because the more we talk about it, the more we can understand and support each other.