Speak your mind, even if your vibrato shakes.

Reflecting on self-image and worth while trusting the process

Through our healing journeys, we are often confronted with unexpected loads of emotions. Emotions and thoughts that have the power to confuse and derail. I share this because my last week was a very intense battle, but the reality is that I was only battling myself.

Over a month ago, I was asked to jump into a workshop of a piece that combined Handel, one of my true loves, and a Heggie piece that, although I’ve never sung it, it has deep connections for me due to a special person in my life. The content was already heavy as it deals with the Holocaust and Jewish suffering, but I was surprised to see that my challenges throughout the week were more about my own self-image, as an artist, a singer, a thinker and a friend.

Have you ever been in a room where every individual is so brilliant and talented that you almost feel vibrations running through your body? Thrilling and overwhelming. My entire week was my mind penduluming back and forth between feelings of immense gratitude, awe and self-loathing. The gratitude and awe spawned from this workshop with multitudes of depth and heart with people I can only describe as geniuses (and that is not a word I use lightly). The self-loathing was the fear of not being good enough, focusing on every little imperfection as if my shaky vibrato would ruin the entire piece and condemn me to lifelong failure. The self-loathing was not bringing artistic justice to my dear friend, who birthed the idea of this project, unknowingly. The self-loathing was merely because I’m a work in progress, and aren’t we all? Thank you, maestro, for that compassionate reminder.

I marveled at the joy and the curiosity in that room. The producer said, “What if I bring all the people who have ever been told they are ‘too much’ into one project?” It reminded me of all the times I conducted research spirals at 1 am in the morning and insisted on doing my own translations of works even though I didn’t speak the language. It reminded me of my own sensitivity that had often been taken advantage of, yet it remains one of my greatest strengths.

I don’t believe in coincidences. There were too many connections that brought me there. There is a reason I was in that room. There is a reason my voice was wanted. I won’t pretend that I have shifted into confidence personified. But that inner voice was just the echo of a world that encourages self-hatred. After all, shouldn’t we be our greatest protector and shut that shit down?

“Speak your mind, even if your voice shakes.” - Maggie Kuhn, activist