The complexity of audition season

Sometimes we aren't thrilled to announce

We all share universal feelings that carry shame, like jealousy, apathy, and disdain. These are all a part of the human experience, yet admitting them publicly exposes us to what we don’t want to see within ourselves. These are thoughts we only share in moments of intimacy or, even worse, not at all.

Every audition season, a flurry of emotions unearth themselves once again to test my patience and my humanity. It is a complex place to sit with genuine joy for friends and colleagues who are landing dream gigs and watching their careers take off after all of their hard work while also wishing you had the same great news to share. We can carry many feelings simultaneously, even if they contradict each other. One of the biggest things I struggle with during audition season is not feeling good enough. I’m sounding the best I ever did, and yet, does it even matter? There is an apathy that I fight as I navigate these feelings. If my best isn’t good enough, why bother? I chose one of the most challenging industries, so feelings of disillusionment are often part of the journey. It is a constant fight to battle these thoughts. 

Recently, I recorded videos of my singing. These serve the purpose of being a prescreen to submit to companies that will then decide if they want to hear me in person. They also provide an updated snapshot of my progress and what I currently sound like. When I received the final recordings, I almost panicked (it’s an unfortunate habit of mine to react very strongly to any recording of my work.) I looked odd, that high note sounded a bit shrill, why couldn’t I sing that section in tune, etc.… All of that came first until I realized that it was still the best singing I’ve done. Period. Isn’t that a cause for celebration? I fantasized about being the singer that I wish I were rather than basking in the growth that I worked extremely hard for. I let what should have been a moment of pride be consumed with jealousy, apathy, and disdain. How tragic.

I have several exciting concerts coming up that I’ve yet to share publicly. Why? Are they not “serious” enough compared to what I see on my newsfeed? I know that’s silly, but I know I’m not alone. I’m also aware that I’ve been on the receiving end of envy. People see a few of the artistic triumphs that I have going on and assume that is the whole story. We all make these assumptions.

I recently had a conductor friend of mine share his exciting season announcement and then, immediately after, share all the rejections that he received during the same year. What a refreshing message. We all face rejection but often only share the wins. We usually see what is going right in other people’s lives, and we seldom see their challenges.

I share this because most artists experience these moments of envy, inferiority, or apathy, especially earlier in their careers. This isn’t to wallow but to be transparent. Every day as an artist is a gift but also a massive battle, and if we were a little more honest with ourselves and each other, it would do a great deal of good.